Capsule Corp Theatre Does Hamlet, well, almost
by La Femme Chikara
Summary: Rated PG 13 for a few nasty insults. It gets complicated, but the guys are trying to stage Hamlet, but at the same time things are happening in other places--like the rafters and backstage
1. A Mismatched Company

La Femme Chikara: Originally, I was going to do a Midsummer Night's Dream, but I don't have a script for it (sorry) On that note, I shall now present my rendition of the classic play "Hamlet". Oh, and I don't own DBZ or the original play, but I don't think Shakespeare's in any shape to sue me!  
  
Haiku: Get on with it already!  
  
La Femme Chikara: Huh?! Oh yeah!  
  
...........................................................................................................  
  
It was a cool Sunday night in West City as Bulma sat outside, taking stock of everything that needed to be done: the props were all in place; the costumes her mother sewed in reasonably good condition (despite the abuse the guys had put them through); the scripts handed out; nothing, it seemed, could go wrong except...  
  
"Uhh...Bulma," ventured Goku uncertainly, "I still don't quite know how to pronounce half the words here."  
  
"Me neither." sighed Krillin. "I don't think Shakespeare was writing with us in mind."  
  
"You idiots might not be able to understand," sneered Vegeta, "but I do. After all, a Saiyan Prince should have enough class and culture to do some simple acting!" he finished haughtily.  
  
Bulma sighed. She had known that there was trouble brewing from the start. Perhaps they should have done "Romeo and Juliet"? No. That would be even more trouble. It was time for a little improvising—Bulma style.  
  
"Look guys, I know that this is difficult for you, but we have to try at least. You don't have to quote directly from the script all the time, you know. Just make sure that what you say means the same thing as what you're reading. You can even call each other by your REAL names if you want. Just don't complain if you screw up the story, 'cause I'm not going to listen!"  
  
In the back of the room, Gohan stood blushing. He knew it was just the luck of the draw, but why? He had at first been kind of excited that he was going to be able to play the king, and a bad guy king at that, but it was a little embarrassing to be playing Claudius opposite his mother as Gertrude: Claudius' wife, after his mother's lot was drawn. Oh well, at least this would help if he had to do Shakespeare in school.  
  
"Why so blue Gohan?" Yamcha joked, "I'm sure you two will make a great couple!" he blurted out before laughing uproariously. Oh course, he did this without reckoning with Chi-Chi.  
  
"Don't you make fun of my little boy!" Chi-Chi screamed before Goku was forced to physically restrain his wife from killing Yamcha.  
  
"Well actually Chi-Chi," Yamcha said nervously, "Gohan's in high school now, almost out of high school in fact, so he isn't technically that little..."  
  
"I don't care, no one ever teases my Gohan in front of me! Is. That. Clear?!!!"  
  
Yamcha swallowed before answering meekly: "Yes ma'am."  
  
"Good." Chi-Chi responded before walking back inside.  
  
***  
  
In the audience, Trunks and Goten were getting bored. They were going to sit in a folding chair and wait for some dumb play that probably wasn't going to work out, then sit through the whole thing? Goten didn't think so, and neither did Trunks. After waiting for a few minutes, Goten had heard his mother yelling at someone, but it wasn't as easy as usual to understand. To pass the time, he and Trunks began thinking of reasons for the commotion that became weirder and weirder until...  
  
"Gohan must have proposed to your mom and then Yamcha must have made fun of him!" Trunks laughed as his friend made an interesting assortment of grossed-out faces.  
  
"Eeewww! That's not even funny!" Goten pouted.  
  
"Let's go see what they're doing," suggested Trunks in an effort to change the subject, "it'll get us outta here for a minute or so."  
  
One look around the makeshift theatre was all the convincing it took.  
  
"Let's go." agreed Goten.  
  
***  
  
Backstage the mood was electric, as people hurried to-and-fro: putting the finishing touches on makeup (Vegeta had to be held down forcefully for his); trying to put on costumes (it took a while for Goku to figure out the frilly collar); and re-reading scripts. Little did they know, there was a little surprise waiting later at the end—courtesy of a certain half-Saiyan duo...But for now the general feeling was one of almost- tangible excitement as the play was about to start.  
  
***  
  
In the audience, 18 had noticed something different, but what? It was quiet, too quiet—the boys hadn't spoken for more than a minute now, unusual for Goten especially. Then it hit her: they weren't talking because they had left!  
  
"Oh well," she sighed, "as long as they stay out of trouble..."  
  
And with that, the curtain lifted and audience and actors/actresses alike immersed themselves in the world of the play...  
  
.  
  
La Femme Chikara: So what do you think of the into? I change my writing style often, so don't be surprised that it isn't a script. But anyhow, here's a preview of the next instalment. Please don't bother to tell me whether or not I should finish this story, because I'm getting pretty good at shortening the long, unnecessary speeches and adding humour to this depressing play—besides this is fun to write, so even if you hate it I'll still continue my story (in your face!)!  
  
PREVIEW  
  
It was a dark night on the battlements as the guards—Piccolo/Bernardo, and Krillin/Francisco—stood at their posts.  
  
"So what am I supposed to say?" Krillin asked.  
  
"Shut up! I have to say 'who's there' first! Who's there?!"  
  
Krillin glanced down at his script and attempted to make out the barely- legible writing. "Long...live the...I think it says 'King'" he slowly pronounced as Piccolo became more impatient.  
  
"Kri-I mean, Bernardo, right?" Piccolo growled.  
  
"Yup," was Krillin's cheery reply, "how are you doing?"  
  
"It's cold and my shift was over a year ago!" Piccolo snarled, "Can't you at least show up on time once in a while?!"  
  
"Well, I'm here now—you can leave if you want..."  
  
"Gladly; it isn't as if anything's going to happen here anyway! And if you see Yamcha or Tien around tell them to get lost!"  
  
Interestingly enough, Horatio/Yamcha and Tien/Marcellus happened to be walking along the walls at that very moment. "Did I hear my name?" Yamcha asked.  
  
"G'night Piccolo!" Krillin called out before Piccolo, Tien, and Yamcha walked away. As the three made small talk, they began to discuss a very strange thing that had been happening for two nights now—something of a nature they felt barely believable. Somehow, they sensed, it would happen once again...  
  
"Look! It's happening again!" Tien shouted as he pointed to King Vegeta's newly-materialized ghost.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED... 


	2. I am thy father's spirit

La Femme Chikara: Just so you know, every time I'm using the actual script I'll tell you; otherwise I'm translating it into more understandable language. Enjoy! (PS if you read chp. one—and you did, right—you can skip the part up until Tien points to the ghost, because it's the same, word-for- word, as the preview)  
  
  
  
It was a dark night on the battlements as the guards—Piccolo/Bernardo, and Krillin/Francisco—stood at their posts.  
  
"So what am I supposed to say?" Krillin asked.  
  
"Shut up! I have to say 'who's there' first! Who's there?!"  
  
Krillin glanced down at his script and attempted to make out the barely- legible writing. "Long...live the...I think it says 'King'" he slowly pronounced as Piccolo became more impatient.  
  
"Kri-I mean, Bernardo, right?" Piccolo growled.  
  
"Yup," was Krillin's cheery reply, "how are you doing?"  
  
"It's cold and my shift was over a year ago!" Piccolo snarled, "Can't you at least show up on time once in a while?!"  
  
"Well, I'm here now—you can leave if you want..."  
  
"Gladly; it isn't as if anything's going to happen here anyway! And if you see Yamcha or Tien around tell them to get lost!"  
  
Interestingly enough, Horatio/Yamcha and Tien/Marcellus happened to be walking along the walls at that very moment. "Did I hear my name?" Yamcha asked.  
  
"G'night Piccolo!" Krillin called out before Piccolo, Tien, and Yamcha walked away. As the three made small talk, they began to discuss a very strange thing that had been happening for two nights now—something of a nature they felt barely believable. Somehow, they sensed, it would happen once again...  
  
"Look! It's happening again!" Tien shouted as he pointed to King Vegeta's newly materialized ghost.  
  
"It looks like the King, except transparent." Piccolo mused  
  
"You're a smart guy, how about you talk to him." Suggested Tien to Yamcha.  
  
"Perhaps he can tell us if he really is the late king." Piccolo added.  
  
Yamcha shivered melodramatically: "All right—but this is really freaking me out!" Yamcha said at long last before taking a deep breath and reading word- for-word from his script: "What art thou that usurp'st this time of night together with that fair and warlike form in which the majesty of buried Denmark did sometimes march? By heaven I charge thee, speak."  
  
Hearing someone use such lengthy Shakespearean prose must have annoyed the ghost though, as he turned on his ghostly heel and walked off.  
  
"You've offended him." Tien chided Yamcha.  
  
"See, it's leaving." Piccolo chimed in.  
  
"Wait! Come back! Speak!" Yamcha called, but the ghost had already left.  
  
"I guess he's gone" Tien spoke plainly.  
  
"And Yamcha looks pretty shaken up" Piccolo added. "I suppose it's a good thing that he is though; at least it proves I'm not crazy."  
  
"So was it the king?" Tien tentatively questioned Yamcha.  
  
"It was wearing his armour" Yamcha carefully spoke after a few deep breaths, "so it must be him."  
  
"Kind of weird, don't you think?" Tien said thoughtfully "He always arrives at the same hour each night..."  
  
"...but for what reason?" Yamcha finished. "I don't know guys: I think this means something bad's going to happen."  
  
"Well that's all fine and dandy," Tien replied, "but it would be nice to know for what reason exactly he's here."  
  
"I think I may know." Yamcha spoke at length. "While still alive, our lord made an enemy of Fortinbras of Norway by killing his father and taking hold of his land. Apparently Fortinbras now wants to gain back those lands and has begun to assemble a small army, forcing us to be always on the lookout for an invasion."  
  
"You may be right," Piccolo said gruffly, "this recent turmoil has probably woken the restless spirit of our king."  
  
"It kinda' reminds me of how Julius Caesar's death seemed to foretell turmoil in Rome, but what do I know?" shrugged Yamcha.  
  
And as the three argued, theorized, and talked; the king's ghost made its' second entrance of the night—perhaps thinking Yamcha had run out of lines to quote...or not!  
  
Yamcha took another deep breath upon spying this visitor and once more read from his script: "But soft, behold, lo where it comes again! I'll cross it, though it blast me. Stay illusion. If thou hast any sound or use of voice, speak to me. If there be any good thing to be done that may to thee do ease and grace to me, speak to me. If thou art privy to thy country's fate, which happily foreknowing may avoid, o, speak! Or if thou hast uphoarded in thy life extorted treasures in the womb of earth, for which, they say, you spirits oft walk in death, speak of it. Stay and speak." And with that speech, Yamcha collapsed from lack of oxygen.  
  
Upon regaining consciousness, Yamcha's first impulse was to make sure that the ghost was still there. "Stop it, Tien."  
  
"Should I hit it?" asked Tien.  
  
"Well if it won't stay still...!"  
  
"Well hurry up before it leaves!" growled Piccolo.  
  
"Too late," sighed Tien, "it's gone already. Perhaps shouting impossible-to- understand commands and then trying to hit him was a bad idea."  
  
"Yamcha shouldn't have carried on like that," Piccolo barked, "the ghost was about to speak before it was interrupted, and once again right when he heard the rooster crow!"  
  
"And then it left," sighed Yamcha, "like it wasn't supposed to be here."  
  
"I guess ghosts aren't supposed to stick around very long after daybreak." Tien mused, "At least that's how these stories usually go."  
  
"The ghost probably won't speak to us because it wants to speak to Vegeta/Hamlet," Yamcha said defensively, "maybe we should get him and see if it works."  
  
"Good idea," Tien gave in response, "and I know where Vegeta probably is, too..."  
  
***  
  
King Gohan/Claudius was a powerful man, and he knew it. Upon the death of his brother, King Vegeta/King Hamlet, he had married his former sister-in- law, Gertrude/Chi-Chi, and gotten away with it without a fuss.  
  
"You know," he pondered, "Prince Hamlet/Vegeta still mourns his father, but we on the other hand," as he nodded to his wife, Chi-Chi, "have gotten over it pretty quickly; haven't we? Ha! And Fortinbras thinks that with his death the country is in chaos—it's far from it!"  
  
"Listen Gohan," Chi-Chi said anxiously, "remember that this is just a play, and that we don't want to do anything bizarre; got it sweetie?"  
  
After acknowledging his mother, Gohan once again resumed his acting: "And now, Da-I mean Goku/Laertes, what news do you have today?"  
  
"Nothin' much," answered Goku innocently, "but I'm thinking of going to France. Pretty please?!"  
  
"Sure, but you'd need your father, Polonius/Dr. Briefs', permission."  
  
"I can answer that," Dr. Briefs interrupted, "he may leave if he wants."  
  
"Have fun!" Gohan called to Goku's receding figure, "and now to you, young Vegeta/Hamlet, my stepson-nephew."  
  
"So, he's my father and uncle all at once," Vegeta grumbled off to the side, "just great!"  
  
"Hmm? You seem depressed. What's wrong?" asked Gohan.  
  
"Nothing's wrong," said Vegeta in a falsely bright, and perhaps even a little sarcastic, tone, "I'm just great; and you?"  
  
"Oh, Vegeta," Chi-Chi sighed, "you're STILL mourning your father aren't you? He's been dead a while now, so you'll just have to get used to it."  
  
"Yes, that would be it," replied Vegeta dejectedly.  
  
"Well then, just get over it," chided Chi-Chi, "why do you seem obsessed with being depressed over it?!"  
  
"Actually, mother (the last said with a slight smirk on Vegeta's face as he realized he had called Chi-Chi his mother) I AM obsessed with being this depressed—not to mention depressing—and will continue to dress in black, mope, and generally make myself to be a pitiful fool for a while yet."  
  
"Prince Vegeta," Gohan said calmly, "it is sweet of you to remember your father so dearly, but you're really over-doing it now. Also, I suggest you stay here instead of going off to school in Wittenberg, so that your mother doesn't die of missing you so much."  
  
"Please stay," Chi-Chi begged Vegeta, "we'll all miss you so much if you go."  
  
Vegeta conceded: "All right, I'll stay here."  
  
"Good boy, Vegeta," Gohan said proudly, "you are needed here in Denmark." And with that remark, everyone but Prince Vegeta left the room.  
  
"Damn him to hell," Vegeta raged, "my father not even dead for two months and what happens?! My mom gets married to my uncle. Father was always like, well, a father to everyone; why did she betray him like this? At first she carried on crying constantly her crocodile's tears, but before even a month passed she's hanging off of Gohan like she'd otherwise fall to her death!"  
  
As the Prince, ranted, raged, and looked like he either wanted to strangle someone or kill himself, Tien and Yamcha entered with news.  
  
"Hey Vegeta! What's up?" called out Yamcha.  
  
"Hm? Well if it isn't my friend Yamcha—long time, no see. So how're things in Wittenberg (Hamlet and Horatio are basically college buddies)? Tien? I am glad to see you both."  
  
"We're actually not just here to see you," Tien replied uncomfortably, "your dad's funeral...  
  
"'my father's funeral'? Don't you mean 'my mother's wedding'?"  
  
Yamcha paused before answering: "Well, the two are pretty close together I guess..."  
  
"Who wants to bet that any leftovers from the table at the funeral show up at the wedding feast?! I can still see my dad..."  
  
"Really?" asked Yamcha, "where?"  
  
"In my mind's eye," Vegeta replied distractedly.  
  
"Speaking of seeing your father..." Yamcha wheedled, "I saw him last night on the battlements."  
  
"Saw him?! Who?"  
  
"Your father."  
  
"You saw my dead father walking around?"  
  
"Yes. Me an' Tien here both saw the ghost of your father last night, but he wouldn't speak to us at all!"  
  
"Where exactly?"  
  
"On the platform on the walls," Tien answered.  
  
"Did you speak to it?"  
  
"Tien, Piccolo, and I tried, but it wouldn't answer."  
  
"This seems interesting, I think I'll check it out. Even if it turns out to be some sort of demon, and drags me into hell with it, I'll go see it." Vegeta spoke after a brief thought, "Goodbye!" He called to his friends as they both left.  
  
After they had left Vegeta wondered to himself out loud: If his father's spirit showed up armed, did it mean trouble was brewing?  
  
***  
  
As Goku/Laertes packed he bid farewell to his sister, Ophelia/Bulma, who was madly in love with a certain prince: "Well, that's that! See you later, Bulma. Oh, and as for Vegeta, just watch yourself. He may cause more trouble for you than you believe, so just smile and be nice, but nothing else. 'But nothing else'? Whoever wrote this script doesn't know those two very well!"  
  
"Oh, all right!" Bulma ad-libbed, "But don't ask me to do you any more favours, Goku! If I've gotta skip on the boyfriend, at least don't rub it in!"  
  
"I guess I've stayed too long—here comes you-I mean OUR father!"  
  
"All right Goku, you behave yourself and be careful with your money. 'neither a borrower or a lender be' and all that."  
  
"Goodbye you two!" Goku called as he picked his heavy suitcase up with one hand and left.  
  
"So what were you two talking about Bulma?" Dr. Briefs asked as Goku left.  
  
"Just the usual; weather, sports, Prince Vegeta..."  
  
"Ahhh...I thought you two were spending a lot of time with each other lately. But, you just remember—"  
  
"Let me guess: watch out or he might take advantage of my gentle and trusting nature?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"How predictable."  
  
***  
  
"That night" on the battlements, the three ghost-hunters were freezing their asses off.  
  
"What idiot said we should came out here tonight?!" Vegeta snapped as he deeply regretted allowing himself to be a part of this. (You see, Goten and Trunks had gotten hold of a large quantity of dry ice and a large fan; then they had stuck the ice in front of the fan, turned it on and voila! Instant arctic breeze.)  
  
Tien and Yamcha pointed at each other.  
  
"Remind me to kill one of you after this play is over!"  
  
"umm..." Yamcha tried to change the subject, "isn't it almost time for the ghost to show up?"  
  
"I think it is." Replied Tien.  
  
And then, suddenly, there was a blast of trumpets and the three knew the hour was at hand.  
  
King Vegeta stepped onto the stage and looked straight at his son—who was quite surprised that they actually had brought his real father back from the dead—and said not a word.  
  
"See, I told you." Said Yamcha with a wink.  
  
"Umm..." started a shocked Vegeta before he had gotten his wits together, "What is this visit about, father? Are you a ghost or a demon born of hellfire? What does your coming mean?" he finally got out once the surprise wore off.  
  
The "ghost" beckoned.  
  
"I think he means he wants to talk to you, Vegeta," Yamcha said with a wink.  
  
"Maybe you shouldn't go," argued Tien laughingly, "it's a pretty scary- looking ghost!"  
  
"Awww, just go talk to him." countered Yamcha.  
  
"I-I guess I should go..." stammered Vegeta, for once completely out of his usual "Saiyan Prince" mode.  
  
"Be careful." Yamcha and Tien said with identical grins on their faces.  
  
As the father and son left, the remaining two talked.  
  
"We'll just follow, I think." Suggested Tien.  
  
"Good idea."  
  
And at this Tien took an opportunity to quote directly from the script: "Something is rotten in the state of Denmark."  
  
***  
  
In the rafters above the stage, Trunks and Goten looked at each other with mirrored expressions of shock and disbelief. Because they were tracking down the ice-and-fan set-up, they had not noticed the previous appearance of the former King of Saiyans, and now that they saw him, they were just as surprised as Vegeta Jr. was.  
  
"Is that my grandpa?!" Trunks asked.  
  
Goten tilted his head in order to see them both at once: "Looks like it. Weird huh? Did you see the look on you dad's face?! Good thing mom made me bring a camera..."  
  
Down below, Vegeta was just as shocked as his son.  
  
***  
  
"Where am I going?" Vegeta-in-Hamlet-mode asked his father.  
  
"Just follow me."  
  
"Sure."  
  
"Good," he said as he glanced down his script for some clue about what to say: "I can only stay awhile before I end up being tormented in flames."  
  
"If your character is a good guy, why's he in hell?" Vegeta Jr. whispered.  
  
"He isn't—he simply has unfinished business to attend to." Vegeta Sr. answered, before the two resumed acting.  
  
"Alas, poor ghost!" said Vegeta Jr.  
  
"Save your pity and just listen."  
  
"Say all you need to."  
  
"I am thy father's spirit," he quoted, "doomed for a certain term to walk the night and the day confined to fast in fires..."  
  
He stopped reading, however, when he realized how long the full speech actually was before continuing: "If you ever had love for your father—"  
  
"Of course!"  
  
"—avenge his foul and most unnatural murder." He said, returning to the script again briefly.  
  
"Murder?"  
  
"Indeed."  
  
"Tell me!"  
  
"As I slept in the orchard, a serpent stung me—a serpent that even now, wears my crown!"  
  
"My uncle?!"  
  
"Yes—and he seduced my wife too. You see, I was barely catching on to the whole mess when I took my final rest against that tree, and my own brother then poured a vial of poison into my ears and killed me."  
  
"WHAT?! Are you sure you aren't a demon sent to damn me? Because if you aren't, then my mom's a complete slut, and my uncle a shameless bastard ..."  
  
But he got no further, as the "ghost" flew up to the rafters (there were no trap doors in the stage) and Yamcha and Tien entered.  
  
"Everything all right?" asked Yamcha.  
  
"So be it!" Vegeta read briefly from the script.  
  
"So be what?" Tien and Yamcha asked.  
  
"My uncle is a lying, incestuous, cheating bastard!"  
  
Tien and Yamcha both felt slightly guilty about having to say all this about Gohan, but...  
  
"We didn't need a ghost to tell us that!" said Yamcha with fingers crossed behind his back.  
  
"Indeed..." mused Vegeta with a slight smirk. "Well, see you two later."  
  
"Hey! We're skipping two full pages here!" Tien and Yamcha burst out.  
  
"Well, let's just skip to the part where you two swear on my sword then."  
  
"I swear not to say anything about this to anyone." Tien and Yamcha said in solemn unison.  
  
And on that note the curtain closed.  
  
***  
  
In the rafters King Vegeta sat watching proudly as his son strutted around acting onstage. Acting was frowned upon as a career for nobility—and royalty especially— but it wasn't outlawed as a hobby. As the curtain closed, however, he realized he wasn't the only one in the rafters—there were two boys up there as well, and one looked oddly familiar...  
  
"Boy!" he barked at the lilac-haired one.  
  
Trunks and Goten swivelled their heads in perfect unison. Now what?  
  
"Yes..." Trunks said uncertainly.  
  
"Who are you?" Vegeta Sr. said as he carefully studied the boy's hauntingly familiar face, "You look familiar."  
  
"He's your grandson!" Goten blurted out.  
  
Vegeta Sr. nearly fell over. A grandson? Yes the boy seemed to resemble himself slightly but...  
  
"Ummm... what race are you, kid?" he asked, dreading the answer he knew would come.  
  
"Uhh...half-human half-Saiyan." Trunks said with a slight blush.  
  
Vegeta Sr. was a little disappointed in his son. Although glad the ancient bloodline wouldn't end with his son, the idea of interbreeding between different species was a little disturbing. Oh well, might as well accept the world as it is...  
  
"Uh...I think I have some catching-up to do."  
  
"How about you just talk to my dad—I'm sure he'll be glad to see you after all this time." Suggested Trunks in an effort to stop his grandfather from staring at him with such a weirded-out expression on his face.  
  
......................................................................................................  
  
La Femme Chikara: phew! *wipes brow* I hope you like it—I'm reading the actual script and translating as I go along you know! So you've probably noticed by now that this is, in essence, a story-within-the-story: one story is the play and the other is what's happening around and above the stage. Is this too complicated? Perhaps. *steely gleam in eyes* But it's too late to turn back now! 


	3. The Madness of Prince Vegeta

La Femme Chikara: *bows without meaning to* (apologetic) Sorry for the wait... [Damnit! I've gotten so used to this bowing thing I'm doing it outside the dojo!] So how do you like the story so far? Not too over- complicated, is it? Good. Now start reading chapter three!  
  
  
  
Bulma was almost glad to see the look of shock—and even a faint childish excitement—on Vegeta's face when he saw his dad for the first time in years; she had almost given up hope of Vegeta ever showing any visible proof that there was a heart beating under the tough outer shell.  
  
"Surprised?" she asked him, "I would be."  
  
Vegeta looked up when he heard Bulma's voice. "Surprised...? Perhaps if I were someone else—nothing catches me completely off guard. Ever."  
  
"Hm? Hey, isn't that your dad walking this way?"  
  
Vegeta turned abruptly and, sure enough, there was his father.  
  
"...Dad..."  
  
"So, I understand you've got a half-breed son sitting up there in the rafters."  
  
"Is that a bad thing...?" Vegeta asked uncertainly.  
  
"It is a little odd, you must admit, that when it came to finding a mate, you picked such a weak species." He said disapprovingly "You would think that you would have picked someone from a warrior bloodline at least. Where is the boy's mother anyway?"  
  
Vegeta gestured dumbly towards Bulma.  
  
"Her?"  
  
Vegeta nodded, deliberately trying not to make eye contact with his father.  
  
"I suppose she could be considered a fine specimen of a female—for a non- Saiyan, I mean—you should consider yourself fairly lucky."  
  
"Pardon!?" Bulma was annoyed to have him appraising her like a fine horse or a rare species of insect. "Do I look like pleasant scenery you point out when you drive past?! I thought not!" and then she stormed off to get herself ready.  
  
Vegeta was about to explain her behaviour when Goku said something very distracting.  
  
"What's 'incest' mean?"  
  
Every time it had popped up in the script, Goku had wondered what it meant, and now his curiosity had gotten the better of him.  
  
"Gee dad, I uh...don't really know how to explain this..."  
  
But Gohan's discomfort was short-lived, as the curtain raised once more for the next act.  
  
***  
  
Dr. Briefs (Polonius) was in the middle of a meeting.  
  
"Here, give Goku (Laertes) this money."  
  
"Okay!" agreed Chiaotzu (Reynaldo)  
  
"Thanks. Ask him how he's doing, and keep him out of trouble for me."  
  
"Goku in trouble? What kind of trouble?"  
  
Dr. Briefs looked down at his script. "Gee Chiaotzu, none of these sound like our Goku at all; apparently I'm supposed to tell you to keep him out of sword duels, bars, and brothels. I can't imagine any of those and him in the same sentence—especially the last one."  
  
Off to the side Bulma was getting annoyed with this. "Dad!" she hissed, "it's only acting!"  
  
"Oh? I guess you're right, but I just said everything anyhow."  
  
Chiaotzu sighed and walked off-stage, shortly before a hysterical-looking Bulma walked on-stage.  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
"Dad! I just ran into Vegeta (Hamlet) and he's a mess! His outfit was all messed up, he was shaking, and he was just staring at me like—I don't know what like! Oh, I was so scared!"  
  
"Being in love probably made him crazy."  
  
"Well, maybe he's just mad that I haven't been seeing him much lately—I did follow your advice, you know."  
  
"That's probably it; we should let his uncle know, though. Come on." He said as he and his daughter walked away.  
  
***  
  
Backstage, the self-appointed director was having a problem. It would seem that some of the cast members had left for a while. Now where would they find people to fill in some of the smaller roles? And no one could find Trunks or Goten either! But just then, Bulma spied Yajirobe, Puar, Oolong, and Dende...  
  
***  
  
In another part of the castle, others were worried about the prince's behaviour as well.  
  
"Hello Yajirobe (Rosencrantz)! Hi Dende! (Guildenstern)," said Gohan (Claudius), "I guess you heard about Vegeta's odd behaviour lately. Could you do us a favour, and see if you can tell what's wrong with him?"  
  
"I've heard a lot about you two, and I'm sure you can help us." Said Chi- Chi (Gertrude) brightly, "If you can help us out you'll be rewarded. My husband (at this she blushed a little upon calling Gohan her husband) is a king you know."  
  
"We can do that, if you want us to—an order from royalty is an order from royalty." Replied Dende.  
  
"Yeah, sure, whatever." Said a not-exactly-enthusiastic Yajirobe (he was supposed to say something along the lines of "as you wish").  
  
"Thank you!" replied Gohan and Chi-Chi politely.  
  
"Be nice to my little boy you two, and help him as much as possible."  
  
"Thanks, we will."  
  
"*grumble*"  
  
And as Yajirobe and Dende walked off, Dr. Briefs (Polonius) entered.  
  
"So the Norwegian ambassadors have returned; that's good."  
  
"Dr. Briefs! You usually have something to tell us. Is it something good this time?" asked Gohan.  
  
"Er...not really; it would seem that I found the root of Vegeta's behaviour...."  
  
"Tell me."  
  
"I'll bring the ambassadors back, if I've already found the problem then there's no sense in them looking too."  
  
And at this point Dr. Briefs left the stage.  
  
"Hey Mo—I mean 'my darling Chi-Chi'. I think Dr. Briefs know what our...uhh...son's problem is."  
  
"*sigh* I'm sure it's probably what we thought earlier: his dad's death and our hasty," and here's where she paused uncomfortably, "marriage."  
  
***  
  
Backstage, Vegeta and...Vegeta were having a much-needed father to son chat.  
  
"So...you and Kakarot—and I suppose myself—are the only ones left?"  
  
"...Yes."  
  
"Oh well...life goes on as always, I guess..."  
  
"Speaking of life...how did they bring you back?"  
  
"How should I know? One moment I'm fantasizing about ripping Frieza and the Ginyu idiots into their component atoms, and the next I'm sitting on the floor and looking up at some old geezer with a cat on his shoulder."  
  
"Hmm... Dr. Briefs did say he was working on transporting things to other places via another dimension, but I thought he was working on apples and oranges..."  
  
"I tried to force him to duplicate it and bring back some others, but apparently my being here was just a freak accident."  
  
"So much for the 'Saiyan Empire' idea..."  
  
***  
  
Gohan and Chi-Chi were still talking, when in came Dr. Briefs with two Norwegian courtiers: Oolong (Voltemand), and Puar (Cornelius).  
  
"Hi Oolong, how are things in Norway?"  
  
"Norway? Things have been fine, and we stopped the trouble caused by Fortinbras."  
  
"That's good, now how about you stay for supper?" asked Gohan as the two left.  
  
"That went well." Commented Dr. Briefs, "Now, to business: I think Vegeta's just plain crazy."  
  
"Crazy? How?" asked Chi-Chi.  
  
"I have a daughter named Bulma (Ophelia)—at least she's mine at the moment—who showed me this letter she got from him," he replied before reading directly from the script: "'To the celestial, and my soul's idol, the most beautified Ophelia in her excellent white bosom, these, and etc.'"  
  
"Vegeta sent THAT?!" Chi-Chi exclaimed.  
  
"Yep, and there's a little more: 'Thine evermore, most dear lady, whilst this machine is to him, HAMLET.' She showed it to me, so I thought I should do something about it."  
  
"And how did Bulma handle it?" asked Gohan.  
  
"She took my advice to ignore him, and then Vegeta got really depressed, because he was being ignored, until he went crazy."  
  
"You sure about that?" asked Gohan.  
  
"It might be..." answered Chi-Chi.  
  
"Would I lie to you two?"  
  
"No." answered Gohan honestly.  
  
"Well, if I'm wrong then cross my heart and hope to die. Tell you what: Vegeta sometimes walks here in the lobby. Next time he's here I'll give Bulma the go-ahead and if he doesn't get his senses back, then you can fire me."  
  
"Okay."  
  
"Oh...! Here he is." Chi-Chi butted in.  
  
"Anyway, I can handle this, your majesties, you can go now." Dr. Briefs assured Gohan and Chi-Chi as they left.  
  
"Hello Vegeta." Said Dr. Briefs politely.  
  
"Same here."  
  
"You recognise me...right?"  
  
"Excellent well. You are a fishmonger." quoth Vegeta (I just wanted to use the word "quoth"!)  
  
"No...I'm not"  
  
"—And not a very honest fishmonger, either."  
  
"umm...right..."  
  
"You have a daughter, right?"  
  
"Yes..."  
  
"Well—" and here Vegeta paused, unsure of what to say: basically, the script was telling him to say that Dr. Briefs should watch that his daughter not get pregnant, which would be a sensitive subject one supposes... "ummm, don't let Bulma go running wild with anyone!"  
  
"Okay..." Dr. Briefs said off to the side, so that he was talking the audience: "What do you think of that? Now, is he crazy over Bulma or just crazy? I'll talk to him again—what are you reading, Vegeta?"  
  
"Words, words, words." (And that, believe it or not, was another quote)  
  
"About..."  
  
"Someone making fun of someone else who is older—you know, if you could go backwards in time you'd be as old as I am."  
  
"*sigh* There's a method to this madness, but I don't know what. Will you leave for a moment?"  
  
"And go to my grave?"  
  
"Well, that IS out of here. I think I'll leave."  
  
"Not my permission to give, my friend, only my life..."  
  
"umm...goodbye."  
  
"These tedious old fools! [actual script]"  
  
***  
  
Trunks and Goten were in a tight spot. More of the cast suddenly had left, and they had been found hiding. As they looked at their costumes, they cringed in unison...  
  
***  
  
"Look," Dr. Briefs began explaining to Yajirobe (Rosencrantz) and Dende (Guildenstern)—both of whom had just arrived—before leaving, "he's nuts. You two do your best..."  
  
"Sure." Answered Yajirobe (perhaps a little less enthusiastically than he was supposed to).  
  
"Hello Vegeta." Dende said cautiously.  
  
"Hm?" Vegeta looked up, "Well if it isn't you two. How have you been?"  
  
"Just fine." Replied Yajirobe.  
  
"Happy in chilled-out way." Answered Dende.  
  
"But not depressed?"  
  
"Not really." Answered Yajirobe.  
  
"So you hang around fortune like you would a lovely woman?"  
  
"Something to that extent."  
  
"So...anything new?"  
  
"Nope." Replied Yajirobe in a bored way, "Except that the world is boringly normal."  
  
"I'm sure the world will end if things ever become normal around here." Vegeta said with a smirk. "Then what brings you to this prison?"  
  
"Prison?" replied Dende curiously.  
  
"Denmark is a prison."  
  
"I don't know about that one." Said Yajirobe.  
  
"Nothing is good or bad unless you think it is. I still think Denmark is a prison."  
  
"You think too much of yourself, Vegeta." Said Yajirobe, again sounding bored.  
  
"You could stick me in a nutshell—or even a nutshell inside a capsule—and I'd think I was king of the world, if it weren't for the bad dreams."  
  
"You're too ambitious," Dende sighed, "that's your real problem. Ambition is the shadow of a dream."  
  
"A dream itself is but a shadow." Vegeta quoted with a smirk.  
  
"Sure it is, but I'm not as ambitious as you I guess." Said Yajirobe defensively  
  
"If that's so, a beggar is our people's real body; and Kings, Queens, and Princes are just the beggar's shadow; you two aren't anything at all."  
  
"We're your friends, allies, and errand-runners!" The two defended themselves.  
  
"No need to say it. And tell me honestly: why are you here?" said Vegeta as he rounded on the two.  
  
"Just to visit." Said Yajirobe rudely.  
  
"You're spying on me." Vegeta said in an annoyed tone. "Gohan and Chi-Chi sent you."  
  
"Why would we do that?" asked Yajirobe.  
  
"You tell me."  
  
"We can't."  
  
"Let me guess: the two of them want to figure out what is wrong with me, so now you're standing here listening to me talk and trying to figure me out."  
  
"What!?" spat out Yajirobe, "You're barking up the wrong tree here, man."  
  
"Really..." said the unconvinced Prince.  
  
"Really!" said Yajirobe with his fingers crossed, "We even got some actors to come and cheer you up!"  
  
"Are they any good?"  
  
"The best."  
  
"And here they are!" exclaimed Dende. (Okay, okay: I'm skipping a little here, but when they keep saying the same thing over-and-over...!)  
  
"Gentlemen!" Vegeta called while trying not to laugh at Trunks and Goten in their colourful clown suits waiting to come on-stage, "You're all welcome to stay. And Dende—"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Gohan and my mother *smirk* are wrong: I'm insane in a north-north-western direction, not a southern one." Vegeta laugh-said.  
  
"How's everything?" Dr. Briefs called as he walked up.  
  
"Oh look: a crazy old man." Said Vegeta with a smirk.  
  
"Hey! I have important news you know."  
  
"The—ahem—actors have arrived?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"And about a certain precious thing you own..."  
  
"Bulma?" asked Dr. Briefs, confused.  
  
"She's a nice girl, look out for her."  
  
Bulma pushed Trunks and Goten on-stage at this point.  
  
"Welcome...o professional *snigger* actors. So...are you any good?"  
  
"You want us to prove it, don't you?" sighed Trunks.  
  
"Say a speech." Said Vegeta with a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.  
  
"But we—" Goten butted in before he saw his mom looking not-too-happily at him from the backstage. "All right...there once was a Greek guy and he killed a bunch of people then started looking for an old geezer to kill."  
  
Although this seems very weak acting, Trunks and Master Roshi were actually illustrating Phyrrus's story, so it didn't look too lame. Anything that has Trunks stabbing Roshi, who was wearing a series of costumes from a dress to a toga, has got to get the point across I think.  
  
"Okay, okay, enough already!" shouted an impatient Vegeta. "Can you do a little play for my uncle tonight; it's called the 'Murder of Gonzago'."  
  
"Yes," said Trunks, eager to get out of his costume, "we can I think." And with that, Dr. Briefs, Roshi, and the two reluctant child actors left the stage.  
  
"Strange isn't it," Vegeta began explaining to no one in particular, "that a simple play can really get to a person? Why should I feel for a character that doesn't exist? The ghost I saw earlier may actually have been a demon trying to make sure I go to hell—as if I weren't going there already—by killing Gohan. Perhaps showing him a play about the same thing that supposedly happened here will let me tell what really happened; our emotions are less well hidden than we think..."  
  
***  
  
The third act was finally over, and everyone was seriously relieved. Vegeta Sr. was warming up to his grandson and sort-of daughter-in-law; Goten was trying to throw out his costume, but Chi-Chi gave him hell; Yamcha was teasing Gohan again; but everyone had a strange feeling something was weird about the last act. You see it had seemed to drag on beyond any normal boundaries of space-time sci-fi gibberish that is more the business of serious Star Trek fans than this author.  
  
"You don't think we just got sucked into the twilight zone or something?" asked Yamcha half-jokingly as he hummed the theme music.  
  
"Don't be stupid!" called a voice from the curtain-pull and lighting control area, "Chikara here was just being lazy!" ["^" "^"]  
  
"How should you know?" asked Vegeta in a self-important way, "And who are you anyhow?"  
  
"How should I know?" mocked the voice, "You tell me—ya' dirty chimpanzee with twelve bottles of gel in his hair!"  
  
Vegeta, however, didn't answer. The voice sounded so familiar and yet—it couldn't be HER could it...?  
  
"Oh and Goku—you were wondering what incest means? Come over here and I'll tell you in a disturbing non-sugar-coated Chi-Chi (Gertude)-Gohan (Claudius) sort of way." Said the voice mischievously.  
  
But the voice said no more (fortunately) as the curtain soon opened on the next act.  
  
.................................................................................................  
  
La Femme Chikara: By show of hands, does anyone think that the casting makes perfect sense for every part? No? I thought not, but the more this looks like an impromptu show, the better. By the way...take a guess at our mystery voice's identity. (Hint: take a look at what she called Vegeta...someone says the same thing in another story I wrote.) 


	4. Murder, I Wrote

Chikara: I bet you were wondering what happened to me...or did you not care? Anyhow, I've decided on shortening my penname when doing intros and scripts---it simplifies things.  
  
Haiku: Where were you anyway? I thought you'd died, but I guess I'm not so lucky.  
  
Chikara: (sarcastically) Nice. REALLY nice. Now I won't tell you the surprise...  
  
Haiku: You mean the part where someone finally dies? I read ahead.  
  
Chikara: (sweatdrop) Well, now it's out...  
  
??/???????????????/?????????????????  
  
"So what did you find out?" asked Gohan (Claudius)  
  
"He said he feels crazy." Offered Yajirobe (Rosencrantz)  
  
"We couldn't find out." Confessed Dende (Guildenstern).  
  
"Did he behave himself though?" asked Chi-Chi (Gertrude).  
  
"Yep." Replied Dende.  
  
"But he looked like he was about to snap..." remembered Dende.  
  
"He didn't answer the big question of his mental state, but we found stuff out anyway." Yajirobe ventured tentatively.  
  
"Why didn't you just ask him to spar, or whatever else he likes to do in his spare time?" asked Chi-Chi, a little annoyed by the lack of information about her "son's" condition.  
  
"Hey, ease off! We found some actors snigger and they sorta' cheered him up."  
  
"That's right," agreed Dr. Briefs (Polonius), "He asked me to invite you."  
  
"I think that's a good idea, a bit of theatre now and then is good. See if you can get the prince interested in it." Said Gohan, a little relieved, as Yajirobe and Dende left.  
  
"Hey Mo—I mean 'my blush sweet Chi-Chi' how about we leave about now. I've sent for Vegeta (Hamlet) and here we have Bulma (Ophelia); why don't we just all leave—except her—and let Vegeta think she just happened to be here. It shouldn't be too hard to judge whether the prince is crazy because he's in love or not from what happens next.  
  
"Good idea. And Bulma—I do hope that you can somehow put his mind at ease."  
  
"So do I.," answered Bulma sweetly. And with that the Queen left.  
  
"Tell ya' what, Bulma: just walk here, read this, and act really lonely so that he won't be able to help but notice you. (sigh) I still don't feel good about setting my little girl up like this, though—something isn't right." replied Dr. Briefs as he stared blankly at the wrong part of the set.  
  
"Psst! Dr. Briefs! I'm over here!" hissed Gohan as he tried to get Briefs' attention before raising his voice up to "acting level", "Too true: (and you'll have to go easy on me here because I wasn't quite sure how to properly put this in layman's terms) the words I say here are making me wince a little—false words aren't easy on anyone to have to say after a while." and with that, they both left to leave Vegeta—when he arrived—and Bulma be alone.  
......................................................................................................................................  
"So what DOES it mean?" asked the oblivious Goku of the wild looking- stranger.  
  
"Well it's kind of like this..." said the strange dark-haired girl before her voice dropped to a whisper. During her brief (and probably graphically descriptive) explanation, Goku's face went through half a million expressions ranging from confusion...to surprise...to shock...to realization.  
  
"Let me get this straight: if Gohan and Chi-Chi..."  
  
"Yep." Haiku grinned evilly, her amber eyes flashing.  
  
"Goku get back here!" scolded Chi-Chi as she led—okay, dragged—her husband away by the arm.  
  
"Hey Chi-Chi, um just checking, but that girl said something about you and Gohan back there and...well, can I just whisper it in your ear...?"  
  
People on the other side of the world probably had to turn up their headphones way up for several minutes afterwards in order not to be driven deaf by the subsequent hissy fit.  
..............................................................................................................................  
After the commotion backstage died down, Vegeta (Hamlet) strode onto the set and began reciting in his best "Shakespearean" voice: "To be, or not to be—that is the question: whether 'tis far nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them. To die, to sleep—no more—and by a sleep to say we end the heartache, and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to. 'Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep...  
  
Bulma struggled to stay upright as she listened to Vegeta continuing his monologue.  
  
"Does anyone know how to shut him up?" Bulma asked before drifting off while still onstage.  
............................................................................................................................  
Backstage, Vegeta's speech was having equally soporific effects: "He didn't get it from me..." Vegeta Sr. trailed off before falling into a deep slumber.  
  
Goku: Zzzzzzzzzz zz...Zzzzz.... cookies...cake...yum.... zz Zzzzzz.........  
  
Chi-Chi: Zzzzzz......zz zz...wash...your own...zzz...dishes...!  
.............................................................................................................................  
On the stage Vegeta suddenly stopped as he realized that Bulma seemed to be sleeping, or dead, or unconscious—wasn't she standing up a moment ago? He waited until she started snoring before "pushing her along" with his foot until she was under the curtain and deciding to turn this into a one-Prince play for the time being.  
  
"I am fine, my lord," Vegeta began in a squeaky falsetto, "And you?" before running abruptly to a spot four feet away, where he should have been standing.  
  
"I am fine," he said in his normal voice to the empty spot.  
  
Dashing back to his former location, he continued Ophelia's script: "My lord, I have remembrances of you that I have longed long to redeliver." before rushing to the spot where, I repeat: he would have been standing were Bulma conscious.  
  
"I don't remember saying anything." he replied in his normal voice (although he had affected a bit of a "Shakespeare accent")  
  
"But you did!" he answered in a high voice as he returned to the "Ophelia/Bulma part of the stage, "You said it all—it makes even the sweetest things cruel when the one saying them is unkind!" and here he noticed that the audience was asleep, and that he had made a fine idiot of himself. "Well," he sighed, "at least I don't have to run around in circles while asking myself if I'm a virgin or not..." and with that he darted backstage in order to bring Bulma back out.  
  
"Where were we...?" Bulma asked groggily as she was dragged out by the ankles.  
  
"I just told you to 'a nunnery go!'"  
  
"Huh? Oh, the play..." she babbled as Vegeta made a hasty retreat backstage to wake up Gohan and Dr. Briefs. "To see him like this hurts. O, woe is me t' have seen what I have seen, see what I see!"  
  
"Love?" questioned Gohan as he stepped out onto the stage. "His affections do not that way tend, (that was a quote) but from what he spoke it didn't seem like he was crazy. There is definitely something the matter that he won't tell me—that's it: I'll send him to England, I think.  
  
"The trip would do him good," replied Dr. Briefs, yawning as he spoke, "but I still think the cause of his madness is our Bulma. And speaking of whom...you don't have to tell us what he said Bulma; we were listening to the whole thing. Tell you what, my lord, after the play we will let Vegeta talk with his mom, and I'll spy on the whole conversation while I hide somewhere. If it turns out that Bulma isn't the cause, send him to England, or whatever you see fit."  
  
"Good idea—madness in great ones must not unwatched go." (that was another quote) and with that they all left the stage.  
.......................................................................................................................................  
"Can someone please help me wake up Goten?!" Trunks had already been woken up, but apparently his friend was a VERY sound sleeper, and Bulma couldn't get him to rise-and-shine in time for the second scene.  
  
"Here, let me help," said Trunks as he watched his mom dump glass after cold glass of water on Goten's head. "Hey Go-ten...look: ice cream!" he whispered.  
  
"ICE CREAM! WHERE?!!" Goten shouted ecstatically as he leapt up and—as if on cue—everyone began laughing. "Huh? I don't see any ice cream..." he pouted before walking on-stage.  
.......................................................................................................................................  
"All right—you two only have to remember a simple speech...can you handle it? And don't over-act and mess it up either." Vegeta said condescendingly to the two child-actors.  
  
"Yeah, I think we can handle an easy job," answered Trunks.  
  
"Don't you dare UNDER-act either—the actions should fit the words, and not overstep them or upstage them. I've seen actors that had the accent gait and speech of absolutely nothing they were supposed to be playing—don't do that. Ever."  
  
"Don't worry," reassured Goten, "we have it all worked out."  
  
"You had better," Vegeta said loftily, "and no 'improving' the script!" he barked as Goten and Trunks hurried off-stage.  
  
"So," said Vegeta as he noticed Dr. Briefs, Yajirobe, and Dende walking on- stage, "will the king hear this piece of work?"  
  
"Uh-huh." answered Dr. Briefs (Polonius), "And the Queen too."  
  
"Tell the actors to get their butts in gear." Vegeta shot at Dr. Briefs as he left the stage. "And you two go help!" he also shouted at Yajirobe and Dende as they also left (how come they don't say anything?). "Hello Yamcha (Horatio)."  
  
"Here I am at your service milord."  
  
"Just the man I was looking for!'  
  
"Thank y—"  
  
"I wasn't trying to flatter you, you know—I need your opinion of my plan: when the play goes on tonight, it will be about a murder much like that of my father's, so you'll have to watch Gohan's face carefully. If he shows no response, we call in the exorcist or something because that ghost is just a demon, and if not...let's just say Chi-Chi (Gertrude) will be mourning the death of a second husband." At this moment a low-quality recording of some trumpets was piped in from backstage: "They are coming to the play—find yourself a seat while I look innocent."  
  
"And how is our Vegeta?" asked Gohan warmly as he strode up.  
  
Not quite knowing how to say it more simply Vegeta answered from the script: "Excellent, i' faith, of the chameleon's dish. I eat the air, promise-crammed. You cannot feed capons so."  
  
"I have no clue what that means, and I have no answer to it."  
  
"Hey, Dr. Briefs—didn't you say you were an actor in university?"  
  
"Yep. And a dang good 'un too! I remember this one time..."  
  
"Mm-hm. Julius Caesar right? And Brutus killed you? I know that."  
  
"How about you came sit by me?" invited Chi-Chi.  
  
"No, there's something more interesting here." And with that he went and lay at Bulma's feet. "Can I lie on your lap?"  
  
"Huh?! Um...no."  
  
"I meant could I lie my HEAD on your lap. What did you think I meant? Something a little more...paws air and growls softly" (the original of that requires more thought to figure out, so I said it more plainly—but yes it means the exact same)  
  
"I think nothing."  
  
"That's a fair thought to lie between maid's legs."  
  
"What is?"  
  
"Nothing." (actually, the last four lines were direct from the script)  
  
"Someone's feeling good tonight."  
  
"Me?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"What can a man do but be happy? Look at my "mom"—dad died two hours ago, but she's pretty happy with Gohan over there."  
  
"Vegeta, your dad died two MONTHS ago."  
  
"Oh? Well, at least he's remembered." And at this point Trunks, Goten, and Master Roshi entered the stage and began a silent play that went like this: Goten (a king) and Trunks (playing a queen—and yes; he's wearing a dress—because he's much prettier) walk around locked in each other's embrace, Trunks kneels and makes a show of protestation unto Goten, who takes Trunks up and rests his head on his friend's neck, Goten lies down and then Trunks leaves when Goten looks asleep, Roshi comes in, takes off Goten's crown and kisses it, pours poison in Goten's ear, then leaves. Trunks comes back, sees Goten dead, acts all passionate and melodramatic, Roshi comes in and comforts him and Goten's body is carried away. Roshi gives Trunks a bunch of gifts, who at first refuses, but then accepts. THE END  
  
Vegeta nudged Bulma: "And here comes the prologue."  
  
"Is he going to tell me what that show meant?"  
  
"Ay, or any show that you'll show him. Be not you ashamed to show, he'll not shame to tell you what it means." (quote, and you figure out what it means)  
  
"You are naughty, you ARE naughty! I'll just watch the play."  
  
And now Roshi entered the stage and said: "For us and for our tragedy, here stooping to your clemency, we beg your hearing patiently."  
  
"Is this the prologue or a bunch of nonsense?" asked Vegeta impatiently.  
................................................................................................................................  
Haiku: WHAT?!?! YOU'RE SKIPPING TWO PAGES?!!! Oh well, who cares.  
  
Chikara: Yeah. The rest was too long, and I'm getting sleepy. Just in case you're wondering what you missed, you didn't—miss anything that is. It's just the king and queen in the mini-play talking and acting. Now we'll just fast forward to the king being slain by the poison being poured in his ears...  
.....................................................................................................................................  
Seeing events so similar to ones he had perpetrated fold out onstage was too much for Gohan, so he jumped up to leave.  
  
"Scared?" asked Vegeta.  
  
"What's wrong?" asked Bulma.  
  
"Lights!" cried Gohan, "show's over, let's go!" and here everyone except Vegeta and Yamcha left.  
  
"Well now I definitely trust my dad's ghost!" proclaimed Vegeta, "You saw Gohan's face, didn't you?"  
  
"When they talked about the poisoning?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Perfect! Now how about some music?" shouted Vegeta just as Yajirobe and Dende entered the room.  
  
"Um, Vegeta..." ventured Dende (Guildenstern), "your mom wants to see you."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yes, could you give me a good answer to bring to her?"  
  
"Alas, no."  
  
"Your mom's worried," said Yajirobe (Rosencrantz), "you've been acting strange lately."  
  
"I suppose. Is there anything else she said?"  
  
"Just have a word with her before you go off to bed."  
  
"Certainly," answered Vegeta, "Anything else?"  
  
"Yeah, last time I checked we were friends."  
  
"I thought we still were."  
  
"Good, now can you tell me what your problem is," pressed Yajirobe, "I mean, if something's bugging you, you can at least tell me...right?"  
  
"I'm going nowhere in life."  
  
"What?! You'll be king someday!"  
  
"Yes, but while the grass grows, the horse starves—won't my uncle have to die before that happens? Hey! It's that music I called for! By the way you two, why bother trying to trick me?"  
  
"I really don't feel any reason not to," replied Dende.  
  
"What kind of answer is that? Hey, can you play any music yourself?"  
  
"No, really I can't."  
  
"Try."  
  
"Believe me, I cannot (and that was pulled from the original)"  
  
"Try."  
  
"But I can't."  
  
"It's as easy as lying: just take the recorder or flute snatches from one of the musicians—who just happened to be Krillin---and hold it like so...it's just a simple matter of blowing into it."  
  
"I really sound bad at this you know."  
  
"So you think me that simple? You're pretty sure you could play me more easily than a stupid recorder, and make me tell you whatever. I think you will find me more difficult than that—though you fret me, you cannot play upon me." (the part after the dash was a little pun Shakespeare did on the different meanings of "fret")  
  
"Hey Vegeta," Dr. Briefs called out as he interrupted, "your mom wants to talk to you!"  
  
"Oh, look: a cloud shaped like a camel," interjected Vegeta, seemingly to keep the "crazy" image in place.  
  
"Huh?" Dr. Briefs looked questioningly up, "I guess it does."  
  
"Or is it a weasel?"  
  
"It has a weasel's back."  
  
"Or a whale..."  
  
"It looks just like one."  
  
"I guess I will go have a chat with her, I'll go sometime soon to talk."  
  
"I'll tell her that."  
  
"You can all go," Vegeta said as he motioned for the rest to leave. Once they were gone he again went into speech mode and declared: "Tis now the very witching time of night, when churchyards yawn, and hell itself breathes out contagion to this world. Now could I drink hot blood and do such bitter business as the day would quake to look on. Soft, now to my mother. O heart, lose not thy nature; let not ever the soul of Nero enter this firm bosom. Let me be cruel, not unnatural; I will speak daggers to her, but use none. My tongue and soul in this be hypocrites: how in my words she be shent, to give them seals never, my soul, consent." (translation: it's dark and creepy out and I'm really pissed off, so I'm gonna go yell at my mom, but I won't mean it)  
........................................................................................................................................  
"Nice speech Vegeta," Yamcha needled the Saiyan, "you could put a heck of a lot of drug companies out of business with your little insomnia cure earlier."  
  
"Honestly, Yamcha," Bulma sighed and rolled her eyes, "What's your problem with Vegeta anyways...oh!" she realized as Yamcha looked meaningfully from Trunks, to Vegeta, to Bulma, "You're still sore about that?! Why don't you just get a life—they're in the 'hint' section of the department store next to the 'clues'." She teased as Yamcha turned a rather pretty shade of pink and walked away to 'get something he forgot'.  
  
"Nice one mom!"  
  
"Thanks—just don't ever talk to me like that. And Vegeta," she said as she turned from her son to the boy's father, "the first one put me to sleep all right, but the second was said creepily enough to make me convinced you were about to do something psycho!"  
  
"Right..."  
..........................................................................................................................................  
Gohan paced the floor with Yajirobe and Dende in tow: "I really think the Prince is acting too weird to keep him around here—you two are to take him to England when you go."  
  
"Glad to oblige," answered Dende earnestly.  
  
"Whatever you think is good," Yajirobe followed up.  
  
"Good, now make sure you go there quickly and with Vegeta, before he does something weird or psychotic."  
  
"We'll pick up the pace soon enough," Yajirobe answered before he and Dende left.  
  
"Oh, Gohan!" Dr. Briefs called out as he approached the 'king', "Vegeta's going to have a chat with his mom, so I'll just go hide somewhere behind a tapestry and listen."  
  
"Good idea!" Gohan replied as Dr. Briefs left. Once alone, he continued speaking: "I know I killed my brother to gain the throne, but I had no idea guilt could be this powerful. If I could give up one thing I gained—a queen, a crown, fulfilled ambition—would I be free of it? Things must be a lot simpler in the other dimension than on earth—what you gained from a crime down here makes no difference after you die, but you still keep the guilt. If there is any way to put my self back together and forget my guilt, I would really like to know." kneels, apparently praying However, while he knelt, Vegeta snuck in and saw his uncle sitting there and oblivious to his nephew/stepson's presence.  
  
"Hmm...this would be a good chance," Vegeta said thoughtfully, "but while he's praying? I want to make a villain out of him, not a martyr! I'll kill him later—like when he's drunk or swearing, or angry...or doing something with Chi-Chi! Anything that will make him seem as bad as, or worse than, myself." And so he left to yell at his mom.  
  
Once Vegeta was gone Gohan rose from the floor:"(sigh) I'm just saying words, but my heart's not in them. I guess I'm just damned, literally."  
...............................................................................................................  
"You meant that one to sting, didn't you?" Gohan accused Vegeta. Apparently the number of times the word "incest" popped up in the script referring to he and his mother was really getting to him.  
  
Vegeta was about to respond when his father cut across him: "Now see here, you stupid peasant! That was in the original script—and how dare you talk to your betters that way?!"  
  
Vegeta Jr. groaned softly (although he DID enjoy seeing someone called a "stupid peasant"). Why didn't his dad just realize that they weren't in charge anymore? "Dad," he said softly as he tapped his father on the shoulder, "you and I...we're really not in charge of anyone—as much as I wish it were so. We're pretty much on the bottom rung of the respect-and- reverence ladder."  
  
"What?! Next you'll be telling me that Kakarot is the real leader, and not you." However, once he saw the look of frustration on his son's face he finally realized what was the problem. "He is...? Our family holds the throne for Kami-knows-how-long and what, by some evil miracle, happens? We are usurpt by a peasant! (spits in Goku's general direction) This, Kakarot, shall go further than you think! From this day forward there is to be only enmity between our houses! And—!" he was cut across by Bulma, however before he could say anymore.  
  
"Will you please pipe down; I'm trying to go over my lines one last time! And really Vegeta—Sr. that is—you're really taking this a little too personally. Not even your son gets this worked up...at least he doesn't anymore. And stop talking so, so, so...fake-Shakespeare-ish! It's really annoying! It's not like Goku's king or anything, either—people just like him more!" as you've probably guessed, Vegeta Sr. shut up promptly—Bulma has that effect sometimes.  
............................................................................................................  
"So you don't mind if I hide here and listen?"  
  
"Why, not at all," Chi-Chi reassured Dr. Briefs.  
  
"Mom!" shouted Vegeta in the hallway, "Hey, Mom!"  
  
"You had better hide." Chi-Chi urged Dr. Briefs as he hid behind a tapestry.  
  
"So...what's this about?" asked Vegeta curiously as he entered the room.  
  
"Vegeta, you have offended your father a great deal."  
  
"Mother, you have my father much offended." (quote)  
  
"Don't get smart with me, young man."  
  
"You should be more careful with your words."  
  
"Why now, Vegeta? Why now...?"  
  
"What's the matter?"  
  
"Have you forgotten your poor old mother?"  
  
"Not by any means! You are queen, your husband's-brother's-wife and—alas—my mom."  
  
"(sigh) Perhaps there is no way for me to handle this..."  
  
"Come, sit down; you won't leave until I find a way for you to see how I'm sure you are on the inside."  
  
"WHAT?! Do you plan to murder me or something?! HELP!!"  
  
"Murder?!" gasped Dr. Briefs behind the wall-hanging.  
  
"Hmm? Is that a rat?" Vegeta asked no-one in particular as he drew his sword and turned to the tapestry, "Well it's dead now!" stabs sword through tapestry and "kills" Dr. Briefs  
  
"Oww! I'm dead now!" yelped Dr. Briefs as he made an exaggerated show of dying that, unfortunately, was hidden from view by the curtain.  
  
"WHAT DID—?!"  
  
Dr. Briefs: (fake sounding "help-I'm-dying-choke")  
  
"...YOU DO?!" finished Chi-Chi after the brief interruption.  
  
"I don't know," replied Vegeta, "was it Gohan?"  
  
"How rash and bloody do you get?!"  
  
"Well...it's bloody all right—almost as bad as marrying the brother of a king marrying his dead brother's wife after murdering him."  
  
"Murdered?"  
  
"That's what I said," he answered as he lifted up the tapestry.  
  
Dr. Briefs: (goes cross-eyed and makes odd dying noise that sounds kind of gross when the cloth is lifted)  
  
"Ewww...what an idiot!"  
  
"Hey! Just because he's dead doesn't mean you can insult him!"  
  
"Excuse me: he was standing hidden in your room; he was spying; he knows I'm unstable. Does this sound like something an intelligent person would think of doing?"  
  
"Why does the headline-making bad event happen always around me?"  
  
"Think of this mom: two brothers; one is married, the other isn't. One day the one kills the other and takes his woman for his own. Sound familiar? Are you so blind so as not to see what is happening right in front of you? Are you so blind as to overlook something so obvious and not see it, and instead fall for the brother's tricks?"  
  
"Please stop it! My eyes are showing my soul from the way you speak to me so harshly!"  
  
"And in the night, in your bed you and he—"  
  
"QUIET!"  
  
"A murderer and villain, remember that. He is the one who stole the precious gem from the shelf and pocketed it—!"  
  
"NO MORE!" Chi-Chi sobbed/shrieked melodramatically—I guess as a result of years of dedicated practice—as Vegeta Sr. (King Hamlet's ghost) entered once again.  
  
"Father, help me."  
  
"Alas, he's mad," (quote) Chi-Chi sighed, unable to see the ghost.  
  
"Are you hear to give me trouble for missing my chance earlier?" Vegeta Jr. asked his dad.  
  
"Don't forget," Vegeta Sr. said to his son, "I'm only here to remind you that you have a job to do. As for your mom...you have a vivid imagination and a voice—use them!"  
  
"Hmmm...So how is it with you, lady?" Vegeta asked as he rounded once again on his mother.  
  
"How is it with you? Unless I really am blind you were just talking to thin air a moment ago! What are you staring at?"  
  
"Him! Look at how pale he is, and how set he is—if he were to speak to a rock even it would listen!"  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Can't you see him?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Didn't you hear him?!"  
  
"Not at all."  
  
"Look, and there he goes! My father, looking much like he did in life."  
  
"You're imagining this whole thing."  
  
"Imagining? I am just as sane as you, mother. Test me and I could show you perfectly well how sane I am. For the love of grace, don't assume I am mad and forget what I say! Please forget what has happen and undo your wrong—leave your husband's brother and let my father be at peace."  
  
"You tear my heart in two!"  
  
"Then get rid of the worse part and keep the rest. I must be cruel only to be kind (we all know Shakespeare wrote that last sentence). Throw the devil of a man out, mom, and instead be happy and good."  
  
"What?"  
  
"If he should tempt you then resist, or do whatever else you must!"  
  
"I am totally speechless..."  
  
"You know I am going to England?"  
  
"I had almost forgotten."  
  
"My journey is for sure, my destination known. I am going with two others that I trust about as much as a couple of poisonous snakes," he finished speaking as his mom left, shortly before he himself did—dragging Dr. Briefs (who was STILL making assorted "dead" faces, trying to find one that fit) by the ankles.  
  
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&  
  
Chikara: Late in coming? Perhaps...but at least I made it. Don't worry though, there aren't going to be any more huge delays. Besides, there are only two more chapters to go.  
  
Haiku: Hurry up and tell us how much of her abilities were lost when she was grounded and—mph! Mmff! Nm...!  
  
Chikara: (covers Haiku's mouth) Just review, please. I'm still annoyed that I can't use the asterisks to do actions anymore--it really changes how scripts look.


End file.
